Painting Intuitively

 Took a free online art class with Art2Life. It's not anything that I'd frame and hang on the wall, but it was fun.

Coping Tools Reeling in the Pain

For Illustration Day: Tools

Coping Tools Reeling in the Pain

 I used to participate in Illustration Friday years ago, but apparently that's no more. I found this site instead, during my search. I like having a prompt every once in a while to motivate me.

Wouldn't it be Great...

 if I could process something besides health problems in my doodle journal? Wouldn't it be even greater if everything I drew in my journal would resolve itself?

Autism

Biology of a Broken Heart

Formation of a Flashback

Hypersensitive

Migraines and Seizures

Stuck

 

Stuck

Lost in the years waited

Lost in tears that were hated

Lost when I should feel free

Free from scorn and guilt

Free from the maze hope built

   Where I’ve long wandered aimlessly

Patience has taken a toll

Searching around an empty hole

Only to find prickly regret

So I finally ended it

Thought I finally let go of it

But stuck instead in a cyclic mindset 

Memory Garden

Where the dead are planted.

 I was driving the other day and passed by a cemetery called Garden of Memories. The name disturbed me, but I didn't know why. I thought, "the literal side of me is trying to take over," and immediately said out loud, "where the dead are planted."

As I drove further, I realized it probably had more to do with therapy and trauma. I'm stuck living in a cemetery inside my head. Well, at least it's a garden. Weird how we try to make death look pretty.

Trauma

 Trauma

Stuck and stagnant Awkward and shaking

But not really rooted Searching for joy

Nothing’s holding me here I strictly follow rules

Trying to shake free from nothing So that no-one sees my sickness

It ended years ago It started years ago

But every flashback adds I diligently changed my life

Another strand to the complex web Wiggled free from every event

Of rewind and replay But never really escaped

Blood and energy congeal Diet, exercise, and therapy

I curl up in a cobweb cocoon I accomplished more than most

Slip into insomnia sleep Reshaped my mind

And wait for nothing To recover nothing

Living a Dream

Alone in a Crowd

Dear Mike,

38 years ago we were living a dream

now you’ve been gone for 23

tears still form when I play your songs

now I’m old and still alone

sometimes I feel life has passed me by

but I’ve lived long enough to know

I’m not missing anything…

except you

remember the time you wanted to leave everything behind?

I made you promise to take me with you

many nights I wish you could have

but that was not your call

I haven’t done much since you left me behind

18 years in the health and fitness industry

and I’m so sick, I’m bad for business

remember how no one knew what was wrong?

well, I have a long list of diagnoses now

seizures, autism, Lupus, PTSD with flashbacks, 

migraines, vertigo, and severe anxiety disorder

only half are true, but I don’t know which half

on a brighter side, my faith finally feels real

yes, I knew it was real when you were alive

yet I never felt like I belonged

things got awfully dark before I could see

you’ll feel it too when you come back

although I might seem a little different

I’ve lived 14 years longer than you so far

but we’ll be living a better dream then

I live in an RV now, which you’d enjoy

although, you’d make the bed bigger

ok, and the bathtub too

remember that night we froze in our tent?

we could be warm cozy glampers instead

traveling wherever, planting gardens along the way

we’ll stay a few years in each place

making friends everywhere we go

that’s what I’ve been doing since you’ve been gone

no real place to call home

even our house felt estranged

a place for roommates to land

the RV makes moving so much easier

I can take my home with me

6 years with a PO Box address

is as close to home as it gets

the latest PO Box is shared with some wonderful friends

I can’t wait for them to meet you!

this dream feels so real now

I just want to share it with you

Love always,

your Happy Camper wife

 

Spiders and Decay

 It’s weird. Spiders climbed all night, but their trajectories kept missing the desired lamp lit window, landing instead in a tangle of crystal clear wind chimes lost in the shadows. Iridescent tones gave away their location. No outline of the glass tubes was visible, only the distortion of moonlit silver threads as it magnified the web and then disappeared.

In contrast to their gentle music, the breeze that helped weave this curious scene, was anything but light and peaceful. Heavy with the stench of decay, it carried the story of dead swine laying in the ravine below. Turning to climb the steps back into her RV, she wondered if the spiders were trying to escape it as well. The air inside seemed more sane once she closed the door.

What drove those wild hogs to their death? She knew the locals wouldn’t miss them. Their population had exploded in recent years, causing damage to property and crops. Hunters were having little success culling the herds. The sharp contrasts of the night echoed the imbalances of the world today.

Solitude, peace, clear sky, shadowy music,… decay, sickness, pandemic, mental illness… The howl of a feral cat outside the door sends ripples through randomly drifting thoughts. Wild life is trying to clean up a mess that is too big for all of us.