New Blog - Awakening the Sleeper

I have a new blog for my work as a personal trainer and wellness coach. I'm posting tips, recipes, and my personal stories relating to health and fitness there. The logo and mission statements are a result from the Wings 4 You exercises I worked here on this blog. My hope is for Awakening the Sleeper to be a continuation of the process I started back then.

Weekly Wings Challenge 8 - Back to Your Future - Part Three

To see other Vision Maps go here

Weekly Wings Challenge 7 - Back to Your Future - Part Two

Again, I find myself sitting on Anemone's front porch tired and aching. I rub the swollen joints of my hands without thinking. I'd probably never notice that I do this if it wasn't for the fact that so many people point it out to me, like Anemone does now as she walks out from behind her beaded curtain carrying a bowl of fresh cut fruits and vegetables, and two glasses of homemade pineapple green drink. It's evening this time. The ocean breeze is cooler than the first visit, and is carrying with it the scent of something sweet smelling growing up the hill from us. The sinking sun on our right is casting crimson sparks on the waves as they break.

"Take a deep breath," she instructs me. "Breathe in the energy of this ocean breeze, and then exhale your anxiety through your feet. Find your ground."

This sounds so familiar to me. I do as she instructs, and then timidly ask, "What do you see when you look at me?" I remember a time when I used to look at my past with harsh criticism. Instead, a familiar faded smile lightens her face as she takes another sip of the green nectar, and then she invites me to see for myself.

Through her eyes, I see a place very different from the one where we're sitting. A land rich in diversity, from rocky rolling hills thriving with thorny mesquite and prickly pear to muggy muddy woodlands densely lush and green. Far away on the horizon is the ocean. On one of the hills, water is bubbling up from the ground, and trickling down in all directions. Most of these tiny streams, though, are being channeled into a well eroded ditch that leads to a concrete retention pond where the water stagnates and evaporates.

"This is the watershed you're at in your life right now." She explains. "You're tottering on the edge where streams of energy still flow behind you as it always has in the past, and some are starting to flow before you to create new rivers and streams. Because they tend to travel the path of least resistance, you're struggling to move forward. The path behind you is well worn, but you've made it through the hardest part. You made it up the hill, against the current, to get here. Now you try to force the streams to change their directions by forcing yourself to move forward and hoping they will follow. You have already begun to damn up the old streams that you no longer wish your energy to travel, but now you need to gently guide them to move in the direction you wish to go, and then you will follow."

Back on Anemone's patio, I sit silently contemplating. She leans over to light one of the candles that still has some life in it, and then picks up our empty dishes to carry them back inside. When she returns, she is carrying cupped in her hands a light that takes the form of dolphins. She hands them to me, and as I take hold, she gently pushes my hands toward my heart. When I touch my chest, the light disappears.

"The ones closest to you right now, don't understand you." The gentleness in her voice eases my tension. "They don't understand why you don't just pick yourself up and move forward. Be patient with them and yourself." She stresses the latter. "In your dreams dolphins represent your spiritual energy. The gift I have given you is to remind you to feed them first, then your streams will change direction and take you where you need to go."

I want to thank her, but don't know how. She hugs me, and I realize that she already knows.

Weekly Wings Challenge 6 - Back to Your Future - Part One

I am taken to a place along the seashore, a small village with some crudely built apartments that have been carved out of the side of a cliff overlooking the ocean. It's surrounded by palms, flowering trees, hibiscus, and vinca. The apartments themselves are as multi colored as the surrounding flora. Along the eaves of this building are brightly colored glass bottles that have been broken and embedded into it's stucco walls. I climb a rusty metal stairway attached to the outer wall that leads me to her apartment. As I ascend past the floor of her front porch, I can see her in the open window typing away on her computer. Stepping onto the porch, I notice scuba gear strewn across a hammock and left in the warm sun to dry, two plastic lawn chairs and table covered with the remains of used candles, a bonsai, a hanging basket of vinca, and a hummingbird feeder.

She pauses briefly from intense concentration on a story she's writing, and spots me surveying her patio. With child like enthusiasm, she runs out to greet me, and embraces me warmly. I start to cry. She says nothing, just smiles a soft faded smile of understanding, then pushes the strands of beads aside that make up her front door, and signals for me to come in. She knows why I'm here and where I've come from.

The inside seems sparse compared to the front porch. There's a single bed in the corner with a lamp and night stand, her desk and computer in front of a window overlooking the ocean, an easel folded and leaning against the desk, and bookshelves with art supplies and camera equipment intermingled among the books. The room is filled with the smell of fresh pineapple that must have been consumed at lunch. The back wall has three small windows with frosted glass near the ceiling to allow the ocean breeze to blow through. Under these windows are hung her paintings. Some are framed, some aren't. On the window sill by the desk sits a small brown mouse she calls Bilbo, quietly grooming himself. There is a sense that everything is in it's place.

She doesn't offer me a seat, rather, she shuts down her computer and grabs her hat, braiding her long white hair while slipping on her sandals. Like school girls off to a slumber party, she grabs my arm and says, "let's go for a walk." She lightly skips down the steep stairs with excitement that makes me seem old and tired by contrast. We cross the street and follow a path through a small patch of jungle before stepping out onto a white sandy beach. We take off our sandals and run through the warm sand to the waters edge, and cool our feet in the sparkling turquoise water.

We are walking along the shore, wading in and out of the tide, when I ask her to tell me about her life. The sunshine illuminates soft color beneath the time worn lines on her face as she starts to tell me about all the interesting people she's met. Her face beams with passion while relating stories of their different cultures and the challenges they faced. She speaks of the ones she had become so close to, the ones that inspired her, and her eyes shine with compassion. Her tales are rich with sadness and joy, acts of courage and love, and genuine empathy.

"What do I need to know? What advise can you give me?" I implore.

"Keep searching for understanding." Her answer is as simple as her life has become, yet as deep as the emotions she so proudly carries.

She waves to a couple casting their nets into the water. I can tell by their smiles that they are good friends of hers. We come the the end of the beach where the land points it's rocky finger into the ocean. The tide is low. She climbs the rocks out toward the waves, and takes me to a favorite place of hers. It's a tidal pool nestled in among the rocks. She points out the different sea creatures, and knows them all by name.

"It's wonderful how they thrive in the turbulent ebb and flow of the tide", she says pointing to an iridescent anemone that reaches out when the water comes in.

"What name should I call you?" I inquire.

"Anemone", she replies.

For details on this challenge click here.

Illustration Friday: Fail and Weekly Wings Challenge 5 - Take Courage!

depression - anger turned inward
anger - fear
fear - of failure
fear - becomes failure
failure - anger
forgiveness - facing the fear


for more on this week's Wings Challenge click here

Weekly Wings Challenge 4 - You're on a Mission! and Meme

I originally told Mary that I would have to get back to her later on her My Best Possible Selves Meme, but this Wings Challenge I'm currently working on is similar in that I need to decide on some goals for my future. This has been difficult for me since my husbands death, because the way I had my life planned completely changed. I've been unsure about what I want, ever since. So, even though Mary's meme said to spend about 10 to 20 minutes on this, I've probably spent about the last 7 years trying to figure this out.

My first goal, and probably most important, involves how I see myself now and how I want to see myself in the future. I'm just beginning to understand that I have to be who I am, not who I think I should be, but I have to try to change who I am by seeing myself as who I want to be. It's easy to get the two confused. I want to be happy and healthy. Who doesn't, and why did it take me years to figure this out? Well, it's because I have been told by doctors that I won't ever really be either. All my life they've told me that I have a chemical imbalance due to genetics, that causes depression, and would have to be on medication for the rest of my life. They would say, " there is no cure for your depression." In addition, they also say there is no cure for Rheumatoid Arthritis [RA], a disease that began affecting me about 3 years ago. Over the years I've been diagnosed with a list of other ailments including, but not limited to, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Leaky Gut Syndrome, Raynaud's Disease, Attention Deficit Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Hypoglycemia, etc. Currently, I'm not taking any pharmaceutical medications. I've been able to get rid of most of these ailments with alternative treatments. However, I'm still taking alternative medications for depression and RA, so I have a tendency to see myself as depressed and sickly, and to ignore the pain in an attempt to pretend that I'm not. I'm realizing now, though, that my illness is not who I am.

Who am I? I am a personal trainer who specializes in working with people who have special needs, like diabetes, high blood pressure, auto-immune disorders, cancer, arthritis and joint injuries, osteoporosis, and neurological disorders like stroke and head injuries. I've over come a drug addiction, as well as addictions to caffeine, nicotine, and refined sugars. I've changed my life style and eating habits to become healthier, and lose 70 pounds. I was told by a neurologist that I would need surgery on my neck, because of a bone spur, that physical therapy wouldn't help, and yet with a chiropractor and starting a regular exercise routine, I have all the feeling back in my right hand without the surgery. Hence, the reason why I became a personal trainer. I am a survivor, who can adapt my life to accommodate whatever is needed to reach my goals.

Through my work, I've had the opportunity to do a lot of research into auto-immune disorders. I was able to interview a couple of women who have cured themselves of Lupus, and Multiple Sclerosis [MS]. They were both selling products they believe cured them, but when I pried deeper into their personal lives, they both admitted that they had to completely change their lives, their way of thinking, and attitudes, as well as turning to their faith for help. My research is also teaching me that these diseases, including RA, characteristically have emotionally traumatic experiences in the past that make every day stresses the proverbial straw that triggers the disease. I believe that an emotional release of these experiences along with changing deeply ingrained thought patterns and habits will help me reach my goal of being healthy, and I am learning that my chemical imbalance is due to these same experiences, not genetics, so I believe this process will also help me reach my goal of being happy.

Because I've been able to work closely with clients who have Fibromyalgia, Lupus, MS, Chronic Fatigue, and RA, I've noticed that focusing on goals is difficult for them. This is motivating me to make my next goal of Life Coaching. I want to learn skills that will help me focus better, and then teach them to others. When I learned how diet and exercise could help, I decided to teach others, but diet and exercise only got me so far. Likewise, I can only do so much as a personal trainer. Life Coach seems like a natural progression for me.

Some other goals that are important to me involve my art. Over the years, I've seem to have gotten away from my art, and this blog has been helping me get back into it. I want to eventually turn some of my digital collages, that I've posted here, into paintings. It's been a while since I've done any painting. I also want to write a book about my life. I've started it, but I think it will take a while to finish. My Best Possible Selves Meme said to write about what we want our lives to be like in the next 5 to 10 years. I'm hoping to be able to accomplish these things in the next 5 years, since I've already started on some of them. Maybe in the next 10 years, I could be living someplace tropical, where I will be working on my underwater photography. These are my goals, why it's taken me seven years to figure them out, and why I can now see myself accomplishing them.

The last step of the 4th Wings Challenge is to write a Mission Statement using our goals, values, purpose, and manifestations. Here is my Mission Statement:

My mission is to awaken the courage, insight, and creative
abilities that have always been in me, and use them to
communicate to others the things I've been learning on
this journey.

The picture above is the logo that is goes along with my Mission Statement, which is also part of the exercise. I've been a trainer for 6 years now, and still don't have a logo for my business. You'd think that as an artist, that would be one of the first things I'd do, but I've had no desire or motivation to design one. I've decided that I'm going to use this one for my business. I may use it for my Life Coaching business, too, when I start one.

Weekly Wings Challenge 3 - Finding Your Core

This was a difficult exercise for me. I had trouble getting past the first step. We're supposed to be discovering our core values, click here for more details. The first step is writing about a peak moment, and the moment that came to my mind didn't seem to involve any special values on my part. I've always thought that I got lucky. So, my next plan was to write about some achievements at work, like when I helped a man who had trouble walking, not only walk again, but run, or when I helped a stroke victim who loves to dance, do the Macarena [she loves it]. I kept going back to my first thought, though, and wondering if there were values I was unaware of...

Peak Moment

Describe a high point or peak moment/experience in your life or work up to now.
What was happening at the moment?
What does this experience say about you?
What values were being honored in that moment?
What do these values mean to you?
How can you elaborate on your description of these values?


A high point in my life was when I realized the depth of the love my husband and I shared. We were newly weds living in San Antonio, and struggling with our own business. Times were tough, and I would get depressed occasionally, sometimes not knowing why. He was always patient and understanding, and would comfort me. I could tell him anything. This was the first time in my life that I recall ever being able to trust anyone like I did him. What I've discovered about myself is that in spite of not knowing how to trust anyone, of a tendency to be drawn to people who would abuse me, and of low self esteem in general, I could learn to trust, get past my fears and discomfort, and be successful at something that was foreign to me. The values I needed to accomplish this were courage to leave my comfort zone, and insight to see that things could be better than what I've always known. What this means to me is that I will always be able to improve my life. I don't have to be victim of circumstances. To elaborate, hmm... I'm not sure how. I guess in looking around me through the years, I've seen many people who aren't able to do the same, so they live their lives making the best of a miserable situation. I was able to pull myself out of that miserable situation.

Suppressed Values

Describe a moment/experience in your life or work up to now in which you felt frustrated, angry, or upset.
What emotions were you experiencing?
Why did you feel that way?
What values were suppressed or violated in this situation?

This step made more sense to me after writing the first step. A low point in my life was a few years after my husband died. I was working two jobs, and taking care of my mother, who has Alzheimer's. I had forgotten to pay the electric bill, and my mother was left alone all day confused and afraid with no electricity, until I got home from my second job late that night. I snapped, and tried to take my own life. I felt like a failure, ashamed, and guilty for being too caught up in my own life to care for her properly. This was because I had lost the courage to continue with her care, and the insight to see how to get help. I had obviously lost touch with my core.

Must-Haves

Beyond your basic survival and community needs, what must you have in your life in order to be fulfilled?
What qualities are essential to the life of your spirit?

I want to make a difference in people's lives, and I need change, to keep from getting bored. Most people must have a purpose in life, and I feel like mine might be to help people. The qualities I would need would be good communication skills, patience, and empathy. I'd also need to be motivating. To keep things changed up, I'd need curiosity, persistence, and determination.

In-the Moment

What gives energy to you now?
What do you most value about yourself, your relationships, and the nature of your work?
What 1 or 2 things do you want more of or different?

My creative endeavours are my energy. Loyalty and conscientiousness are what I value about how I handle relationships and work. This last part was difficult, though. How do I narrow it down to one or two things, when I need so many things? I finally decided self sufficiency covers everything I need.

Values String

Revisit what you wrote in response to the above exercises, and pull out what you consider the most important values and concepts that have emerged.
Using each value as the beginning of a string, write a series of several related words separated by a slash. For example: Integrity/Honesty/Role-Model
When you have finished, number the strings in the order of those which you feel are the most essential to your living a fulfilled, harmonious life. The first 3 -5 are your core personal values.

1. self sufficient/courage/insight


2. courage/determination/strength


3. insight/vision/intuition/perception


4. good communicator/good listener/patient/empathetic/sensitive/creative


5. curious/imaginative/creative/persistent

Courage and insight are words that I haven't used in the previous two exercises. I seem to have forgotten about them, and/or take them for granted. When I was a teenager, several people told me I had good insight, and should consider a career in psychology. I wasn't interested, because I always wanted to be an artist. I'm reconsidering now.

Weekly Wings Challenge 2 - Your Zen Suitcase™

My affirmation board. I told myself this was going to be my desktop wallpaper when I was done, whether I liked it or not. I'm happy with it, and it's on my desktop now. For more info on the challenge click here.

Weekly Wings Challenge 1 - Contribute a Verse

This is for the Wings 4 You Coaching challenge by Carla. It's a blog with weekly challenges designed for self improvement. You can find the first challenge here. Here are my verses:

In the past, I was the wasp
Crawling across the window pane for 3 days,
Painstakingly searching every square inch for a way out,
Stopping momentarily for a ritualistic rubbing of my legs,
Like a dance of self destruction,
When there's an open door just around the corner,
Foolishly threatening to sting
Anyone who tries to shoo me toward it.

In the mirror, I am a Cypress Tree,
Lofty and strong
With outstretched branches that support Spanish moss,
And provide shade and comfort for woodland creatures below,
But whose roots are shallow,
And "knee" deep in mud and decaying matter,
Reaching up for air
Or rain when the bog dries up.

In my dreams, I am a shark,
Docile, curious, and even playful,
Because I have no need for aggression,
But I'm not without power, not ineffectual,
With golden braids, too many to count,
Thick, even to the long flowing ends,
Plaited precisely
To prevent tangling in the ocean's currents.

In my fears, I am the missing sock,
Stained brown with dirt,
Bereft of purpose and incomplete,
Doomed to spend an eternity
Of boredom, with lint,
Tangled in cobwebs of hopelessness
Behind the nursing home's clothes dryer,
Where my coherent memory has been carelessly cast.

In my stories, I'm a Monarch butterfly,
Metamorphosing, emerging, and
Finally finding glorious wings,
Pumping life into them in the warmth of the sunlight,
While still vulnerable to prey,
Then taking flight to far away adventures,
Finding my way intuitively to fields of foreign flowers,
Then embarking on a spiritual path home to complete the cycle.