Dream of the Gifted
long hair thick with power
a genetic gift
voice written with
celestial notes
underscored with chords of callow haughtiness
small stature belies her strength
delicate child climbs
ancestral monument
ancient stage carved with her heritage
searching through faces of history for
the source of mystery and power
suspended center stage
long sharp spear
once grasped, androgynous dancer
appears, amusing and entertaining until
self-indulgent curiosity pierces its human neck
rabbit face distraught
turns ominously toward her
“What have you done, child?”
daylight obscured
nature’s balance blackened
dance ends in death
severing lyrics from melody
darkened stage
keeps performing on its own
haunted, materializing
over abundance of food for her family
a score of negligent indulgence
is written
for her repertoire
I submitted the first draft of this poem to The Critique.
Dallas, an editor, offered many helpful suggestions that you can read if you follow the first link. Below is the first draft. Let me know what you think.
Gifted
youthful hair thick with power
and a voice written
with celestial notes
underscored with chords of callow
haughtiness
her tiny frame climbs
an ancestral monument
an ancient stage carved with her heritage
searching through faces of history
for the source of mystery and power
suspended center stage
a long sharp spear
once grasped, the androgynous dancer
appears… amusing and entertaining
until self-indulgent curiosity
pierces it’s neck
it’s rabbit face distraught
turns ominously toward her
“What have you done, child?”
blackened balance
ends the dance in death
severing lyrics from melody
the darkened stage
keeps performing though,
materializing
an over abundance of food
for her family
a score of negligent indulgence
is written for her
repertoire
4 comments:
Haunting imagery Lori. Is this one of your dreams ?
It did remind me of our recent chat about singing:
'blackened balance' had me thinking of the balance of the black and white keys of a piano. When harmony is restored, something dies.
'severing lyrics from melody,' not hitting the right notes. Not finding the appropriate words. Perhaps, severing lyrics from memory.
the darkened stage
keeps performing though
This had me stuck. A stage that performs. A player piano.
youthful hair thick with power
and a voice written
with celestial notes
Thick powerful hair made me think of black hair. Black like a new piano with all the celestial notes contained within.
underscored with chords of callow
haughtiness
The player piano, plays the notes and chords mechanically, without experience and with the arrogance of a machine.
a score of negligent indulgence
is written for her
repertoire
I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans... W. Blake
I really enjoyed this poem. I always love your use of imagery.
x Paul
Ah, my musically inclined friend! I love the imagry of the player piano! So much so that it's inspired another poem. Thanks ;]
The stage/player piano isn't the one in this dream that's immature and arrogant, though I love the concept of mechanical arrogance. It can only perform according to the way it's "tuned". When the balance was disturbed, the "keys" produced an over abundance of "notes". The piano will have a little more personality in the next poem, I promise.
WOW! This is very powerful and so is the image, and spooky and for some reason it all strikes me in an eerie scary way. I am going to have to come back and reread it again before I can make informed comments.
Dream-like. A little creepy.
A SUPPORTED BY THE DEVELOPER TOOLS? It was interesting. You seem very knowledgeable in ypour field.
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